Not many of you know the journey in full that Joseph and I have been on this past year. It was almost a year ago that we decided to open up our hearts and life to children. Having always had family on our hearts, it wasn't a difficult decision, just filled with excitement and anticipation.
And then weeks went on.
And months passed.
And what felt like to be 50 friends told us of their joy. And we celebrated wholeheartedly with them, but still ached for our own little miracle.
And during this time I was prepping, and researching, and readying out lives for this change. Always striving, seeking, pushing. If I could have willed myself to lay an egg like a hen, I would have! You see, I've always been someone struggling to live in the present. Either worrying (or what I would try to pass off as "planning") about the future or stressing over the poor decisions I've made in the past, present-living was something Joseph did while I looked on with sheer amazement and total non understanding. Yet, as my perfect timing, prepping, planning, praying, asking, waiting went unanswered, my heart started to change. I realized that if I became a mom with this kind of mentality, I would always have something new to obsess over (are they teething at the right schedule, they aren't rolling over soon enough, how are their reading scores, etc.). Doesn't that sound exhausting?! That's not the type of wife or mother that I wanted to be. I started to pray for peace. Peace and a little person.
Still more months passed, and though painful, it wasn't as sharp. And then one day, in the midst of our busy life, I saw those two little lines. In the next two months, Joseph would change careers, we would pack up our whole apartment, have to say a hurried goodbye to our dear WA friends, move to our home town all on less than a 2 week notice. But my heart was still. Not by my own doing or striving, but by His incredible grace.
I guess I just wanted to share the beauty of a peaceful heart and the testament it is to God's faithfulness in the most inner turmoiled girl. Having never experienced it before, I am just amazed at how simple life feels, even though it hasn't really simplified at all. All of these things I store up in my heart, and I pray that this contentment is something I can grow so accustomed to that any altering of my heart's condition will cause some red flags to take me to my knees.
And now back to our normally scheduled programming:
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| 19 weeks and growing! |
Total Weight Gain: We've actually gained this week: 3 lbs total.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose each morning
Size of the baby: About 6 inches long (head to rump) and half a pound
Sleep: Still sleeping good, just on a different rhythm- hard to fall asleep, then hard to wake up. I think I may have turned into a night owl?!
Best Moment Last Week: Finding a couple of good contenders for our apartment search. Now that I have a favorite, it's easy to look around- if it doesn't beat that one, then it's out!
Movement: Getting more routine. Often waking me up- this baby likes to tell me it's hungry ;)
Cravings: Insatiable hunger this week! But not for anything in particular. Well, maybe wanting lots of cheese, so keeping tabs on that.
What I Miss: Being able to leave the house without a snack in my purse or car. lol- You don't want me to get to the irrational hungry state
What am I looking forward to: Our 20 week anatomy scan is this Thursday where we get to find out if this is a little girl or boy. :)
Milestones: I am counting the pound and a half weight gain as this week's milestone. Glad to know everything is growing just fine.
How is Daddy? Fantastic. It's been fun working together picking out names.
Beautiful, beautiful thoughts here, TiAnna. I too have trouble living in the present moment so I know exactly what you are talking about. :) Is there any one particular thing that helped you find that peace that it's ok to live in the Now?
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to find out if it's a girl or a boy!!