17 week bumpdate and nursery reveal

You all, we made it through a very hard emotional week this week. 2 years ago on this week, we lost our baby Emily (we were 7 weeks so it is just a feeling it was a girl) over Easter. And this year I honestly didn’t think it would be as hard as last year (First anniversaries seem to be the worst) but with being pregnant, I have had to lay my fear of history repeating itself at the feet of Jesus daily. I have sat in our nursery, rocking this baby, praying strength and life and hope into this tiny person late into the nights and first thing in the mornings.

Parts of grieving miscarried babies are short lived, some things come in waves especially that first year as your roll through your intended due date and watch bellies grow that should have been parallel to your own. But there are also these out-of-the-blue, unexpected moments that take the wind out of you. 

There is also beauty, too, in the grieving. Like this painting. I have to share it because it brought me to ugly-cry tears thinking of meeting Jesus and then getting to meet our 3 children. That is a reunion I truly long for. Heaven is an even sweeter promise with my babies there.

And He has been so faithful to bring joy and peace as this week has gone on. We have walked through times of deep mourning, but this? This is a time for dancing. A time for joy. Our jubilant celebration year!

Size of the baby this week: A pomagranate this week :) 

Feeling: Heartburn- that’s a new one! It's not terrible, but I’m hoping it’s short lived. And nausea is coming more under control as I’ve drastically cut back on cardio exercise (that seems to be the trigger) 

Fitness: Cutting out the cardio for now is a little sad (I love my dance class!) but I’m walking and lifting and taking a yoga/Pilates fusion class. My body feels good and I’m even getting a little sore sometimes. 

Sleep:  I'm actually starting to wake up before my alarm and feel rested. Hallelujah! 

Best Moment Last Week: Getting to hear this sweet baby’s heartbeat again! Especially in light of this week of remembering, it was such a reassuring sound.  

Movement: I'm feeling baby move every day this week. It is SUCH a joy in the moments when I'm really still and quiet to feel them in there growing.

Cravings:  Super simple, but I've had a ham sandwich yesterday and today for lunch and it hit. the. spot!

Fashion: I am choosing to only wear what makes me feel pretty. Some days that's still pretty casual, but I'd rather feel cute than sloppy. Saying yes to a smaller but more confident maternity waredrobe. It's so freeing! 

How is Daddy and Evelyn?  Evelyn watching our Dr get the Doppler out to hear the heartbeat: “Why are you putting juice on my mommy? What is that clear jelly?” 😂 All the imaginary friends have babies in their tummies too. Such a fun time! 

Joe and I are having fun planning out summer camping a hiking trips as well as making landscaping plans for the front yard. We aren’t sure how finished it will get this year, but making it a priority after years of focusing hard on the inside feels really good! 

And about the nursery:
November 2016 I really felt the Lord prompting me to start creating the space for our baby. We were praying and believing for this child with everything we had. It felt like the practical application of faith and also a prophetic act of obedience. So I painted this mountain mural wall that month. Once we had Evelyn switched to her big girl bed in January 2017, we moved over the rest of the furniture and decorated. It has been an incredible place to pray in and to remember the words we felt God speak over this child, especially when my mind had started to doubt or forget. This is a baby that was promised over 2 years ago. It's incredible to know that a real little person, our miracle baby, will be sleeping in this crib in just a few short months!

16 week Bumpdate

Size of the baby: A dill pickle this week

Feeling:  More cramping this week, still the nausea, and another time baby moved! 

Fitness: Trying to find my groove of moving without knocking myself into a couple days of nausea. It’s tricky! 

Sleep:  It’s still hard for me to get to sleep at night but I’ve been sleeping deeper this week and needing fewer naps. Yay! 

Best Moment Last Week: Spending a super fun weekend with my parents while Joe backpacked in the snow with his brothers 😄

Movement: I felt a little “knock” on Saturday 

Cravings:  Fruit popsicles and smoothies. Cold and divine! 

Total Weight Gain: Still about 4-5 lbs

What am I looking forward to:  I have an OB appointment this week and we’ll be scheduling our ultrasound soon. I can’t wait to see if we have a little girl or little boy in here! 

Milestones:  95% of maternity shirts don’t fit. Lol! Fully into the maternity ware drone. 

Fashion: True statement: I wear my Nikes 90% of the time. So comfortable! Also, I’m being more choosy this time around. If it doesn’t make me feel pretty, I’m not going to mess with it. I’d rather wear fewer things and feel comfortable and cute. 

How is Daddy and Evelyn?  Joe is doing great and working so hard with such a happy heart. Evelyn right now is pretty sure that babies come out laughing and giggling. I'm trying to adjust her expectations for just how little babies respond those first few weeks :) 

15 Week Bumpdate

Size of the baby: An orange this week

Feeling:  Still getting a handle on the insomnia, nausea (it's been back a bit this week), and I think some siatic pain (thankfully daily foam rolling seems to really help this!)

Fitness: Still moving! I'm starting to get more looks and smiles as I do my workouts in the weight room, but I feel really proud that I'm sticking with it.

Sleep:  My internal clock is set later. I want to sleep in later and its hard for me to settle in before 9:30/10. Working on honing in my habits to help get some more hours of sleep!

Best Moment Last Week: Evelyn and my mom and I all took an afternoon trip the beach. It was GLORIOUS and filled my heart so much!

Also! I spent a whole day finding somewhere that isn't an hour away that will do our 20 week ultrasound and is fully in network with our insurance. Some long hours on the phone with insurance and different offices but I think we figured it out!!

Movement: I felt a little movement one night this week!! 

Cravings:  Fruit popsicles and smoothies. 

Total Weight Gain: Still about 4-5 lbs

What am I looking forward to:  Evelyn and I are spending the weekend with my parents while Joe goes snowshoeing/backpacking. It's going to be a fun weekend for us all!

Milestones:  Baby movement for the first time!!

Fashion: True statement: I wear my Nikes 90% of the time. So comfortable!

How is Daddy and Evelyn?  Joe is doing great and working so hard with such a happy heart. Evelyn right now is pretty sure that babies come out laughing and giggling. I'm trying to adjust her expectations for just how little babies respond those first few weeks :) 

Bumpdates are Back! 14 weeks

Back by popular demand.. just kidding. Mostly this is just for me. It has been so precious to look back on these sweet memories from Evelyn's pregnancy. So follow along if you want to, but absolutely don't feel like you have to!

Size of the baby: A lemon this week

Feeling:  Nausea, oh the nausea. I am SO thankful that it's finished. Im on day 3 of not being sea sick... so I think I've turned the corner!

Fitness: Moving has been my reprieve from feeling sick these last months. I've stuck to walking mostly since doing much more made me more sick. I'm hoping now that I'm feeling better I can start doing some of my exercise classes again soon!

Sleep:  Glorious. We got a new black out blind for our room and it is so nice!

Best Moment Last Week: Joe and I (mostly Joe) cranked out some projects (getting our barstools in and putting together our chairs and hanging 2 new blinds) and it feels SO good to have those done. 

Movement: Nothing yet. I'm sure in a few more weeks I'll start feeling this little person

Cravings:  Beef tacos. And this specific salad from Panera. I've been craving that one for weeks!

Total Weight Gain: 4-5 lbs

What am I looking forward to:  This may sound silly, but there is a maternity dress I've had my eye on for a couple years now. Through all this waiting, it's been a bookmark on my browser for when it was our time. And I am so ordering it for Easter :) 

Milestones:  Second Trimester!

Fashion: I've moved from liking everything flowy to feeling the most pretty with things form fitting. Still sorting through what I have and a few things that people loaned to me

How is Daddy and Evelyn?  Evelyn is hilariously thrilled to be a big sister. She kisses my belly and gives the baby hugs all the time. Joe is currently kicking some serious work tail- getting in lots of overtime as well as studying for his journeyman test. We are all so glad that class nights will be done in just a couple short months!

Our mixed bag year: Deep Grief and Great Joy

How do you even begin to tell a story full of such heartache, pain, beauty, and joy? I'm tearing up just thinking about the last year and all that God has carried us through. I've kept so much of this to myself, but I feel my heart being urged to share. See, it's easy when you're on the other side, to point back to the hard season and say how God is faithful. But it's time that I choose transparency IN the desert. And, you guys, spoiler alert: He is SO faithful and SO good.


Part 1 of our story I shared here
It wasn't fast to get pregnant with Evelyn. The wait was hard, but it took me to my knees. God formed my heart in those months and helped me trust him more. I really gave him the reigns (And I will be the first to tell you that we did NOT magically get pregnant that next month after giving it up to God/stopped trying. Sheesh people, that is such an unhelpful thing to say)

Well after our sweet little miracle Evelyn was born, there were normal struggles of figuring out how to bathe a little, limp person or feed a baby pretty set on not breastfeeding. And sleep.. ick. We also trudged through post-partum depression and some PTSD from birth, but again, God brought us through. I got connected with great help and counsel, and time and sleep really does heal a lot. With giving God the reigns on how and when he chose to grow our family, we decided to stop preventing pregnancy pretty early. Evelyn was just about 8 months old then (July of 2015). And surprise of all surprises, 3 weeks later I was face to face with 2 pink lines!

It honestly took me by surprise, but not as much as it surprised our families! lol! It did take a bit to really get excited about it. I felt guilt, panic about have babies 16 months apart, and "oh my goodness, what have I done?!" more than anything else. Around 7 weeks Joseph and I went to the beach for our anniversary. There must have been 10 different families of 4 out. I saw the joy and the fun they were having and knew it was going to be a blast to have my sweet babies close together.

One week after that day, I woke up in the night and saw some pink when I wiped. I definitely woke Joseph up and we prayed and he held me as we fell back asleep. The morning came with still a little uncertain spotting, but I knew in my heart. Within an hour, I started bleeding so much and so fast. So many tears as I couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening. I was losing a baby I just barely got excited to meet. What? After a trip to the ER to confirm and monitor blood loss, we took our tiny tiny babe up to the mountains. I couldn't just leave her there at the hospital. We drove and tears streamed. We buried our itty bitty baby Cascade among the grandfather pines, tucked her in with flowers and tears and love.

In horrible and wonderful timing, we closed on our first house 10 days later. So amidst deep deep grief, there was major renovating, design decisions, packing, moving, unpacking, living in a construction zone, and all this with a 9 month old. It was so fun and exciting watching our house change completely. Long long days and nights of work and stress, but such joy!

Lets talk about grief for a second- it comes in waves. Some days you burst into tears in front of the Costco checker (yeah, sorry about that Hannah) and other days you just cannot go there emotionally so you seem totally fine or even a little hardened with your close friends and family. Evelyn also stopped sleeping through the night the week we lost Cascade. Guys, this was a dark season. After 2 months of not really being able to function, I went to see my doctor and got some medication help. I no longer felt like I was drowning. Finally functioning, human, happy without forcing it.

It was so beautiful to see how God was using this loss for good. No exaggeration, I talked with at least 10 women that had a miscarriage or still birth within a week or two that we lost our baby. Being able to just cry with them, talk through it, know what questions to ask without clumsiness. I'm so thankful for all those connections. What the enemy meant for evil, God had opened a whole new ministry for me to love other ladies and families.

When I saw 2 pink lines again in November my heart truly rejoiced! It was Evelyn's birthday. What a sweet gift. I don't even think we got to tell hardly anyone, because three days later the small fear of a repeat loss came true. So quick and sudden that I didn't really have time to get attached in the same way. I was able to keep moving forward much easier. Joe and I decided we needed some time to wait, to process, to make some headway on our house so we could breathe. (Anyone in the fixer upper process gets it- when every waking moment is filled with house projects, its hard to sign up for the exhaustion and potential sickness of first trimester.)

In early March, I was so sure I was pregnant. The blood test from my doctor said no (I had them check while they ran the gauntlet of tests trying to make sense of why I felt so terrible/tired/nauseated/etc), but 5 days later my home test said Yes! You guys, it was crazy exact. Baby was due ON Evelyn's due date, November 14th. 2 years apart and so exciting! Sure, I had full on panic days thinking about loss and scared to walk through that again, but I felt pretty good (as in not super great- enough symptoms to count). I set our first ultrasound appointment for as early as possible with the for sure chance of seeing a heart beat. Did you know after you see the baby's heartbeat there is only a 5-10% chance of miscarriage? I purposely scheduled the appointment right before seeing friends. I know that sounds weird, but I couldn't bear the thought of going back to that dark grief. Knowing I couldn't emotionally go there was something of a comfort. But on Friday, there it was! Our tiny little baby bean and their heartbeat. Measuring a little small for my dates, but no concern was raised.

Saturday evening I had a little spotting. The nurse had given me specific info on spotting with our history- brown is okay. A little pinkish is okay. Bright pink or red is cause for concern. We were in the clear but you can't stop your heart from wondering and worrying. I was a couple days shy of 8 weeks at this point (and looked about 12 weeks- lol!) Sunday was Easter. I was fighting and battling to choose a happy heart, to choose joy. We had both of our families over and I decided I just wanted to have a fun day hosting our house-full of 25. I am so thankful for the gift of that afternoon. I was really able to forget all that was going on and enjoy my full house.

As everyone was leaving, the spotting was getting more pink. I connected with a small handful of girls asking for prayer for a miracle for this baby. By Monday morning, we knew for sure. We were losing this one. We again went in for imaging just to confirm and make sure they didn't see anything obviously causing it. Guys, that was one cruddy day.

I've talked to so many women who have had a miscarriage. It is seriously so common. But most have had one. So I had viewed our first as just that, my one loss. The early miscarriage was an oddity (My period came right on time. I think they call that a chemical pregnancy). That fall season of grief had taught me to really sit with people in their sadness, to not be afraid to ask questions, not to change the subject or ignore it altogether. I really was growing and learning from it. I didn't need this loss to help me relate. I didn't need this to "alleviate" the closeness of our kids. It wasn't "our turn" anymore.

Baby was just gone.
Like that.
This baby that was loved and wanted and perfect,
just like the one before
and the one before that.

The slowness of the miscarriage broke my heart. Enough time to pray for a miracle and for those prayers to go unanswered. Knowing we couldn't do anything about it and feeling hope slip away more and more. My Daddy who I trusted most broke my heart. You guys, the emotions weren't "correct" or polished. Raw. Broken. Vulnerable. A walking wound. Wondering if I had just had more faith.. or if I had put myself on bedrest would have that helped.. and on and on.

It took 7 days of painful laboring to deliver my 4th baby. Tiny. Beloved. Emily. Another baby buried in tears.

In God's interesting timing, I wasn't going to women's retreat a week later battling morning sickness, but battling heart sickness. Trying to keep a pasted-on smile talking with the ladies who were complaining of their own morning sickness. Trying not to have a complaining heart or mouth or take out my anger and sadness on them.

God knew my struggle. He orchestrated that entire weekend just for me. Our speaker started off by telling us half joking that she seriously has better material, but God had impressed this message on her heart. It was all about God's promises. We talked through Abraham and Sarah waiting for Isaac. Hannah waiting for Samuel. Miscarriage, infertility and his continued faithfulness was spoken of over and over and over. With each woman bringing up their own story, my heart heard. He saw me. He cared enough to speak to me through this whole weekend. The intensity of my anger didn't change who He is. God spoke new life to me through pictures and words. The promise of two sweet children for our family, of not being overwhelmed. For what he has promised, he will equip us to handle. He does not call us to something that will drown us.

In between April and now I have been seeing a Naturopath that was recommended to me by my cousin who had walked similar loss. My hormones had been tested by my doctors, but though it was subclinical, I was a wreck! My organ systems were all out of whack. Through supplements, I keep seeing incredible changes in my health. Even energy. No headaches. Shorter periods. Correct length cycles. A more positive outlook on life. No more lightheadness. Getting my body healthy is such a sweet silver lining to all of this. We are still waiting for a green light to try again. Right now we are under strong urging to wait to conceive until my body has healed more.

And the waiting is hard. Its hard to congratulate friend after friend on their November baby or beyond. It's hard when those who do know of your loss don't deliver baby news with any gentleness. It's hard not to say ungracious things to my pregnant friend complaining of any symptoms. Oh mamas. There is such a large group of us that would do anything to be still carrying our children. And sometimes I just need more than anything to hold that baby born in March or July or ask a bunch of questions about someone's pregnancy just to cherish what could have been.

With every passing week and month, Evelyn has become and even greater joy. I appreciate what a true miracle she is for our little family. I am amazed at all that she is learning and doing. Her independence and toughness blow me away! And the tender snuggles and kisses simply melt my heart. Even though this year has held really tough stuff, she has been my saving grace. You don't have the option of checking out of life when you have a schedule to keep, baths to give, knees to kiss. You don't get the deep sleep you need either... but I wouldn't have it any other way. The sweet companionship of Joseph and lighthearted enthusiasm of Evelyn have been irreplaceable.

Leaving that retreat weekend, my soul was refreshed and renewed. My trust in God's empathy and understanding was restored. It has not been easy walking in this new promise, in the wait. It can be so easy to slip back into an identity of grief. To wear my sadness like a soul-sucking badge. But I don't live here in my loss. It doesn't get to define me. Guys, I am not choosing to get stuck here. I want you to know about it though. Its just as important to testify to God's greatness and goodness in the painful wait as it is when we can view the past with perspective.

As I look to this next year, my heart is steady amongst the uncertainty. I'm honestly a little giddy-excited to see just how God is going to show up and what he's going to do. I don't know the plan and I'm okay with that. I don't know if these two babies will come now or later, before or after other children, biological or adopted. I don't know if we will lose more babies in pregnancy.

But I do know the God of the universe holds me in his arms. The intimacy I share with Jesus is so beautiful right now. My Comfort and Counsel. And though I'm walking through a valley, there is hope in my heart because I know He is good and He has good things in store for me and our family. But more than that, He is good for me. Don't fall in love with the promises of God, fall in love with the Promise Maker. Children or none, HE IS ENOUGH.












Genesis 28:15 "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Isaiah 43:1-5a "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes and honored and I love you. I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you."

For those walking a similar journey, these two books have helped me so much:
Empty Arms
Mending Tomorrow

For my sweet Cascade, November Baby, and Emily: 

I love you, darlings. You make heaven such a sweet reward. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and hear your laughter.

Myth Buster: Fiber One Bars

I was at Costco this week picking up groceries, when I stopped at the dreaded treat trap. You know, the rows of candy, trail mix, and mostly just sugar treats right before you check out? The area meant to entice you because you're so hungry from all of the shopping you've just done.

Well, I saw that Fiber One bars were on sale.
"Joseph likes those. That could be a good addition to his lunch for some healthy carbs"

But as I put them in my cart I looked at the label. Folks, prepare to be ruined.
29 grams of carbohydrates
20 grams of net carbs (total carb minus fiber)
and 2 measly grams of protein.

If that doesn't mean a lot to you, let me share what I've learned over the last couple years of health coaching. For snacks and meals, you're looking for a balanced number of net carbs and protein grams to keep your blood sugar stable. You want them to be as close to the same number as possible (or have the protein winning). When sugars and carbohydrates are so high, like this, it causes your blood sugar to spike, your insulin pump to turn on, and your body to store fat. For real. Because who wants that?!

On a whim I checked the Dark Chocolate Bark Thins snack next to it:
18 grams of carbohydrates
17 grams of net carbs
7 grams of protein

Now I'm not saying that you should eat this all the time, but I am telling you that you're better off choosing this dark chocolate snack for your healthy maintenance treat over the Fiber One bars. It's funny, right, that the one that looks like candy has more nutritional value than the one that's supposed to be healthy?

Don't be fooled by marketing. Most granola bars are cookies in disguise. And they definitely didn't get to come home with us.

Evelyn's Birth Story

This is the story of Evelyn's arrival, of how I became a mommy.

My belly shot two days before Evelyn's birthday

At 36.5 weeks, my Braxton Hicks contractions started to feel pretty real. Some were fairly uncomfortable, they were timeable, and they came in a wave or "peaked". After going in twice for a false alarm, I was pretty discouraged. (And exhausted since I was too thrilled to go to sleep and miss any of it- ha!) When that happens so early, you start to feel over due when you still have weeks to go. I am so thankful Evelyn came early!

Side story: When we first found out we were pregnant, I told Joseph I really wanted to be early but not too early. "November 5th would be a good day, right?" And to that he joked "Remember, remember the 5th of November?" So we laughed about the Guy Fox Day reference and I still thought it would be a good day.

On November 4th, I got a lot done. Not a frenzied "nesting" but just a productive and restful day. I had freezer meals put away, I did a Costco run, got my hair trimmed, cleaned the house, etc. So when I woke up at 1:30 am on the 5th with really period-like cramps that were just very different from my false starts, I just chuckled. Even if I had a pretty long labor, chances were high I really would meet this little lady on November 5th. From the get go the contractions were 3 minutes apart lasting 45-60 seconds. I tried to go back to sleep, but they were just intense enough that that wasn't going to be an option. So I got up, kept eating little meals and drinking water, watched some shows on Netflix, showered and did my hair while waiting for Joseph to wake up for work. I figured that since it was way too soon to do anything about it, I should just let everyone sleep.

At 5 am, Joseph came into the living room looking confused about why I was awake.
"It's baby day!"
"Are you sure?"
"Sure am" :)
And I was glad he was up because at this point the contractions were getting hard enough that I needed someone. Joseph held my hand through them over the next couple hours while bouncing back and forth between packing our last few things and getting ready himself.

Walking. My hesitation is obvious ;)

Around 7 we went on a walk to help get labor really going. Well, we made it maybe 10 min with practically a contraction at every driveway. This is when I really started to feel my body taking over. I didn't want to be in public, to be seen, especially by the cars driving by who didn't understand. I wanted to be somewhere quiet, protected, and inside. Honestly, this was a hard psychological moment. I was panicked- I couldn't do this. I was making a mistake. I needed to go to the hospital and get that epidural. This is where Joseph's soft words of encouragement pulled me through and set me at ease.

I drew myself a bath and that was one of my favorite parts of the whole labor. I sat in my tub, feeling these contractions come, peak, and fade. I was doing this. I could do this. With every contraction, my mind went to all the hikes Joseph and I had done the summer before- how the last half mile of climbing was the absolute worst. My mind would get complain-ey and question whether or not I could actually get there. And then we would crest, the cool air would hit my face, the mountain herbs would fill my nose, and the alpine lake would shine and glisten to welcome me to the top. I have never been more thankful for Joseph's love of hiking. It was the perfect reminder that even when I doubted myself, the end was just in sight.

During this time, Britney, my amazing friend and doula, and my mom came. We would chat between contractions and laugh and I kept eating little bites and drinking my water and enjoying having my shoulders or feet rubbed. It was so exciting and joyful knowing by the end of this, she was going to be here. My brain really couldn't wrap around that! I was going to meet my daughter today.

The last pictures of this beautifully big belly

After awhile longer, about 11 am, it was time to go in to the Birth Center. I wasn't too excited about the drive or really being seen by people. This just felt so private and I didn't want to be watched by people who didn't know what was happening. The drive. Yes, the drive was terrible. Let's just say it like this: For hours now I had been getting through contractions by closing my eyes and focusing. Curvy roads and traffic were pleasant enough with the contractions, but the car sickness from the eye-closing added a special funness to it all!

We walked into the birth center to be greeted with hugs from my midwives. (Now, this is where my memories start to get really fragmented. You see, I just kept my eyes closed as I was dealing with contractions so most of my memories are almost purely audio.) I asked right away to get into the tub- I longed for that warm water. Since it's best not to get into a relaxing tub too early in labor, they wanted to check my progress first.

Laying on the bed, all of those first time mom worries were going through my head- thinking I was getting close, talking myself down in case I was barely started, and the slight panic that comes when you think about just how long it could actually be before the end. I just kept asking "Tell me its more than a 2." So when Jen told me I was at a 5, I cried big fat tears of joy (which I think were originally taken as panic tears as they started to explain that was much further than half way). 

This is a perfect picture of Joseph's sweet calm and optimism throughout the whole thing. I love that man!

The big bath was drawn for me, and I got in. Between adrenaline making me a touch shakey and hormones, I was still so cold. I remember a towel wet with warm water being put on my shoulders felt so good. During every contraction, Joseph was reaching over to put pressure on my lower back and I held onto somebody's hands, mostly my mom's.

Seriously,  I was so thankful to have her there even though I know how hard it was for her to watch me in pain.

After a few different position changes in the tub (changing positions every 45 min-1 hr helps keep things really moving), it was time to come out to help keep the progress going. I sat on the toilet with my face on the cool tank on the back. The next contraction was a wild one: my water broke (on the toilet, go figure I would be hilariously tidy in labor) and my body started pushing. It was such a strange and strong feeling, like my body was vomiting down, and with the intensity I really wished I could have vomited up too. A few more contractions and I got to go back to the glorious tub.

Frankly, all those ladies who tell their birth story and talk about how the pushing was "fun" or at least better because there was an end goal, well, they lied. For me, that was not the case. And even in this intensity, it was so beautiful to see how present my brain was. I let my body do the work and added about zero effort because it didn't feel good at all. I just kept my focus on humming low and keeping my jaw relaxed. That was all the was in my power to do. I was leaning against Joseph's chest as he helped me keep that birth song low and calm.

Feeling like it was never going to end, I reached down to see if she was even getting close at all. Well, there she was- maybe an inch away from crowning! My inner competitor kicked in when I realized just how soon I could be done. Next contraction: I push with my body. She crowns and all I want to know is if she has hair. Mom's teary voice tells me she does. That helped give me something to focus on. The crowning really was a "ring of fire" and I couldn't run away. I told myself "I only have to birth her head once." During that next contraction, I waited until it peaked, then pushed with all my might.

Evelyn Collette Wright burst forth into the world in one woosh of head, shoulders, body. The midwives unwrapped her cord and put her on my tummy. I was still yelling and so was Evelyn. Her eyes were wide open looking at me and her forehead was all wrinkled up like a little turtle.

And that slippery little babe had the cutest head of dark hair. She was here. Our daughter was here. I kept looking at her, holding her, waiting for it to sink in as reality. It didn't. It took a couple weeks for it to feel real.

Everyone helped me out of the tub and onto the bed to get a few stitches for my tear and to dry off. It was so beautiful to look over at Joseph calming our little crier.

She weighed in at 6 pounds 10 oz and 19 inches long. Perfectly perfect. 

 I lost quite a bit of blood and that made for some extra excitement of passing out a few hours later on my way to what was supposed to be my first shower. A few IVs of fluid, some good food, and a long sleep in bed had me feeling so much better by the morning. It was just amazing to have little Evelyn sleeping on my chest the whole night. Her tiny little body breathing, her sweet little head fitting in my hand, my heart was bursting with love. Over the next couple days, we were pampered with great food, herbal baths, sweet visitors and breastfeeding help. It was so nice to have the extra help as I didn't have a super realistic expectation of just how depleted my body would feel.

Our peaceful room

It was like staying at a bed and breakfast with lots of room service and no agenda except resting and healing and holding our baby. 

Sleep, post-bath snuggles with Daddy

It was sweet to bring home our tiny lady on Friday the 7th on a very cold and bright fall day. And I was definitely surprised to find our apartment perfectly deep cleaned and decorated and roses from my sweet husband.

We made it home :)

3 generations of ladies

Pure happy :)

Our tiny miracle

Celebrate!

Praise God for Evelyn's safe arrival and the joy she brings to everyone already!