How do you even begin to tell a story full of such heartache, pain, beauty, and joy? I'm tearing up just thinking about the last year and all that God has carried us through. I've kept so much of this to myself, but I feel my heart being urged to share. See, it's easy when you're on the other side, to point back to the hard season and say how God is faithful. But it's time that I choose transparency IN the desert. And, you guys, spoiler alert: He is SO faithful and SO good.
Part 1 of our story I shared
here
It wasn't fast to get pregnant with Evelyn. The wait was hard, but it took me to my knees. God formed my heart in those months and helped me trust him more. I really gave him the reigns (And I will be the first to tell you that we did NOT magically get pregnant that next month after giving it up to God/stopped trying. Sheesh people, that is such an unhelpful thing to say)
Well after our sweet little miracle Evelyn was born, there were normal struggles of figuring out how to bathe a little, limp person or feed a baby pretty set on not breastfeeding. And sleep.. ick. We also trudged through post-partum depression and some PTSD from birth, but again, God brought us through. I got connected with great help and counsel, and time and sleep really does heal a lot. With giving God the reigns on how and when he chose to grow our family, we decided to stop preventing pregnancy pretty early. Evelyn was just about 8 months old then (July of 2015). And surprise of all surprises, 3 weeks later I was face to face with 2 pink lines!
It honestly took me by surprise, but not as much as it surprised our families! lol! It did take a bit to really get excited about it. I felt guilt, panic about have babies 16 months apart, and "oh my goodness, what have I done?!" more than anything else. Around 7 weeks Joseph and I went to the beach for our anniversary. There must have been 10 different families of 4 out. I saw the joy and the fun they were having and knew it was going to be a blast to have my sweet babies close together.
One week after that day, I woke up in the night and saw some pink when I wiped. I definitely woke Joseph up and we prayed and he held me as we fell back asleep. The morning came with still a little uncertain spotting, but I knew in my heart. Within an hour, I started bleeding so much and so fast. So many tears as I couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening. I was losing a baby I just barely got excited to meet. What? After a trip to the ER to confirm and monitor blood loss, we took our tiny tiny babe up to the mountains. I couldn't just leave her there at the hospital. We drove and tears streamed. We buried our itty bitty baby Cascade among the grandfather pines, tucked her in with flowers and tears and love.
In horrible and wonderful timing, we closed on our first house 10 days later. So amidst deep deep grief, there was major renovating, design decisions, packing, moving, unpacking, living in a construction zone, and all this with a 9 month old. It was so fun and exciting watching our house change completely. Long long days and nights of work and stress, but such joy!
Lets talk about grief for a second- it comes in waves. Some days you burst into tears in front of the Costco checker (yeah, sorry about that Hannah) and other days you just cannot go there emotionally so you seem totally fine or even a little hardened with your close friends and family. Evelyn also stopped sleeping through the night the week we lost Cascade. Guys, this was a dark season. After 2 months of not really being able to function, I went to see my doctor and got some medication help. I no longer felt like I was drowning. Finally functioning, human, happy without forcing it.
It was so beautiful to see how God was using this loss for good. No exaggeration, I talked with at least 10 women that had a miscarriage or still birth within a week or two that we lost our baby. Being able to just cry with them, talk through it, know what questions to ask without clumsiness. I'm so thankful for all those connections. What the enemy meant for evil, God had opened a whole new ministry for me to love other ladies and families.
When I saw 2 pink lines again in November my heart truly rejoiced! It was Evelyn's birthday. What a sweet gift. I don't even think we got to tell hardly anyone, because three days later the small fear of a repeat loss came true. So quick and sudden that I didn't really have time to get attached in the same way. I was able to keep moving forward much easier. Joe and I decided we needed some time to wait, to process, to make some headway on our house so we could breathe. (Anyone in the fixer upper process gets it- when every waking moment is filled with house projects, its hard to sign up for the exhaustion and potential sickness of first trimester.)
In early March, I was so sure I was pregnant. The blood test from my doctor said no (I had them check while they ran the gauntlet of tests trying to make sense of why I felt so terrible/tired/nauseated/etc), but 5 days later my home test said Yes! You guys, it was crazy exact. Baby was due ON Evelyn's due date, November 14th. 2 years apart and so exciting! Sure, I had full on panic days thinking about loss and scared to walk through that again, but I felt pretty good (as in not super great- enough symptoms to count). I set our first ultrasound appointment for as early as possible with the for sure chance of seeing a heart beat. Did you know after you see the baby's heartbeat there is only a 5-10% chance of miscarriage? I purposely scheduled the appointment right before seeing friends. I know that sounds weird, but I couldn't bear the thought of going back to that dark grief. Knowing I couldn't emotionally go there was something of a comfort. But on Friday, there it was! Our tiny little baby bean and their heartbeat. Measuring a little small for my dates, but no concern was raised.
Saturday evening I had a little spotting. The nurse had given me specific info on spotting with our history- brown is okay. A little pinkish is okay. Bright pink or red is cause for concern. We were in the clear but you can't stop your heart from wondering and worrying. I was a couple days shy of 8 weeks at this point (and looked about 12 weeks- lol!) Sunday was Easter. I was fighting and battling to choose a happy heart, to choose joy. We had both of our families over and I decided I just wanted to have a fun day hosting our house-full of 25. I am so thankful for the gift of that afternoon. I was really able to forget all that was going on and enjoy my full house.
As everyone was leaving, the spotting was getting more pink. I connected with a small handful of girls asking for prayer for a miracle for this baby. By Monday morning, we knew for sure. We were losing this one. We again went in for imaging just to confirm and make sure they didn't see anything obviously causing it. Guys, that was one cruddy day.
I've talked to so many women who have had a miscarriage. It is seriously so common. But most have had one. So I had viewed our first as just that, my one loss. The early miscarriage was an oddity (My period came right on time. I think they call that a chemical pregnancy). That fall season of grief had taught me to really sit with people in their sadness, to not be afraid to ask questions, not to change the subject or ignore it altogether. I really was growing and learning from it. I didn't need this loss to help me relate. I didn't need this to "alleviate" the closeness of our kids. It wasn't "our turn" anymore.
Baby was just gone.
Like that.
This baby that was loved and wanted and perfect,
just like the one before
and the one before that.
The slowness of the miscarriage broke my heart. Enough time to pray for a miracle and for those prayers to go unanswered. Knowing we couldn't do anything about it and feeling hope slip away more and more. My Daddy who I trusted most broke my heart. You guys, the emotions weren't "correct" or polished. Raw. Broken. Vulnerable. A walking wound. Wondering if I had just had more faith.. or if I had put myself on bedrest would have that helped.. and on and on.
It took 7 days of painful laboring to deliver my 4th baby. Tiny. Beloved. Emily. Another baby buried in tears.
In God's interesting timing, I wasn't going to women's retreat a week later battling morning sickness, but battling heart sickness. Trying to keep a pasted-on smile talking with the ladies who were complaining of their own morning sickness. Trying not to have a complaining heart or mouth or take out my anger and sadness on them.
God knew my struggle. He orchestrated that entire weekend just for me. Our speaker started off by telling us half joking that she seriously has better material, but God had impressed this message on her heart. It was all about God's promises. We talked through Abraham and Sarah waiting for Isaac. Hannah waiting for Samuel. Miscarriage, infertility and his continued faithfulness was spoken of over and over and over. With each woman bringing up their own story, my heart heard. He saw me. He cared enough to speak to me through this whole weekend. The intensity of my anger didn't change who He is. God spoke new life to me through pictures and words. The promise of two sweet children for our family, of not being overwhelmed. For what he has promised, he will equip us to handle. He does not call us to something that will drown us.
In between April and now I have been seeing a Naturopath that was recommended to me by my cousin who had walked similar loss. My hormones had been tested by my doctors, but though it was subclinical, I was a wreck! My organ systems were all out of whack. Through supplements, I keep seeing incredible changes in my health. Even energy. No headaches. Shorter periods. Correct length cycles. A more positive outlook on life. No more lightheadness. Getting my body healthy is such a sweet silver lining to all of this. We are still waiting for a green light to try again. Right now we are under strong urging to wait to conceive until my body has healed more.
And the waiting is hard. Its hard to congratulate friend after friend on their November baby or beyond. It's hard when those who do know of your loss don't deliver baby news with any gentleness. It's hard not to say ungracious things to my pregnant friend complaining of any symptoms. Oh mamas. There is such a large group of us that would do anything to be still carrying our children. And sometimes I just need more than anything to hold that baby born in March or July or ask a bunch of questions about someone's pregnancy just to cherish what could have been.
With every passing week and month, Evelyn has become and even greater joy. I appreciate what a true miracle she is for our little family. I am amazed at all that she is learning and doing. Her independence and toughness blow me away! And the tender snuggles and kisses simply melt my heart. Even though this year has held really tough stuff, she has been my saving grace. You don't have the option of checking out of life when you have a schedule to keep, baths to give, knees to kiss. You don't get the deep sleep you need either... but I wouldn't have it any other way. The sweet companionship of Joseph and lighthearted enthusiasm of Evelyn have been irreplaceable.
Leaving that retreat weekend, my soul was refreshed and renewed. My trust in God's empathy and understanding was restored. It has not been easy walking in this new promise, in the wait. It can be so easy to slip back into an identity of grief. To wear my sadness like a soul-sucking badge. But I don't live here in my loss. It doesn't get to define me. Guys, I am not choosing to get stuck here. I want you to know about it though. Its just as important to testify to God's greatness and goodness in the painful wait as it is when we can view the past with perspective.
As I look to this next year, my heart is steady amongst the uncertainty. I'm honestly a little giddy-excited to see just how God is going to show up and what he's going to do. I don't know the plan and I'm okay with that. I don't know if these two babies will come now or later, before or after other children, biological or adopted. I don't know if we will lose more babies in pregnancy.
But I do know the God of the universe holds me in his arms. The intimacy I share with Jesus is so beautiful right now. My Comfort and Counsel. And though I'm walking through a valley, there is hope in my heart because I know He is good and He has good things in store for me and our family. But more than that, He is good for me. Don't fall in love with the promises of God, fall in love with the Promise Maker. Children or none, HE IS ENOUGH.
Genesis 28:15 "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
Isaiah 43:1-5a "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes and honored and I love you. I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you."
For those walking a similar journey, these two books have helped me so much:
Empty Arms
Mending Tomorrow
For my sweet Cascade, November Baby, and Emily:
I love you, darlings. You make heaven such a sweet reward. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and hear your laughter.
